Your post (because you identified many ways you might be cheating to source shopping dopamine) made me wonder if there’s a more acceptable “dopamine” level we can aim for. Could we channel it to a more sustainable place as opposed to eradicate it or fear it as a relapse? Dunno. Not exactly topical but it reminded me how lipstick remained a must purchase item during the 30s and WWII. It was basically affordable and women needed something to change things up and feel good about themselves. That instinct seems OK to me, even something good. I think it’s the explosive combination of capitalism and technology that has made this problematic? Who knows? Thanks for linking to Tiia’s post, was happy to reread it!
To add to that -- one thing I am focusing on is dressing well being the thing I find rewarding (ie, the dopamine kick), as opposed to shopping for more things. So it's not just cutting out something but finding new things that are just as rewarding and in a more sustainable way.
Yeah dopamine is absolutely part of how we regulate ourselves emotionally and I think it comes down to getting to a more sustainable place, like you said. I have no real idea how to get there, but in the books I've read about addiction, it usually involves some degree of abatement to help your brain get to a "balanced" state obviously for people with hard core substance abuse, this would not be safe and they'd need to taper down with the help of medical professionals). I'm not a doctor and I can't say any of this with authority, but I recommend reading Dopamine Nation if you haven't already it is a really accessible book for understanding the effects of dopamine on our brains.
I read this post this morning and felt strongly supported in my own fledgling no-buy. Maybe I could go to the end of the year without buying anything, like Tiia! But just 5 minutes ago I was seduced by a price drop on some Dries jeans on eBay and hit "buy now." Huge sigh. In response, I've taken everything off my wishlist. If I need it (hah) or still love it later, it's not at all hard to find it again.
I feel you! Personally, I am trying to limit online buys as much as possible because I think it's harder to read whether something is something I am genuinely emotionally invested in, as opposed to FOMO, without trying it on. Hats off to you for deleting your whole wishlist! I haven't worked up the nerve to do that, but maybe I should. Agree that most times, we don't really miss what we had on our wishlists once they're gone.
The perceived scarcity around vintage items is such a real thing. I can let a new item sell out without blinking, but something about second-hand score (looking at that B-sides denim skirt from Noihsaf Bazaar, someone else, please take it!) makes me lose all reason. But the vastness of the resale market means there is always something else coming up, too.
“Instead, I spent an hour scouring the site for past runway items from my favourite designers...I stared at it some more, then I removed it from the cart and closed the tab. Does anyone else do this?”
It never ceases to amaze me how weirdly similar our head spaces are! So much of this resonates right now, especially the old runway shows and then going down the rabbit hole of looking for items on eBay and Vestiaire. I've been looking into old Marni, too. It was so freaking good!
you have both been reading my mind! i shop pretty exclusively on resale sites (won’t venture into vestiaire because i see how dangerous it gets!), and the second hand online thing is really feeding my scarcity mindset. i am shopping a ton, returning a bunch, and of course... often trying to resell mistakes which is a strain and time suck in itself.
the rabbit holes are just sooooo satisfying to go down.
Your comment hit my heart! I love TRR and Poshmark but their emails “your obsessions are on sale” make my heart race and the idea that I can’t get the item elsewhere has made me purchase items I regret.
I sometimes go through the sold items on my favourites lists and discovered that I didn't miss 99% of them (except one GREAT pair of white jeans from Studio Nicholson). I think there are a lot of "great to haves" but I try my best to remember that "great to haves" (as opposed to absolutely emotional must-haves) will always come again. Easier said than done of course...
May an internet stranger offer an alternative perspective ? You’ve had some major changes in your life - marriage, moving to a new country, changing work. You’ve lost touch with parts of your identity which seemed important even to this casual but long-time reader - as a daughter, as one of a trio (?) of sisters, as a traveller and adventurer. The adjustment may be turning out to be harder than you expected - this isn’t just an extended trip to somewhere new and fun, you’re trying to make a space for yourself in a new environment. I mention this because the only times in my own life when I’ve oscillated between shopping and self-recrimination like this were when I was anxious about identity in a time of change, and it was only apparent to me afterwards, when the situation had already resolved itself.
A shopping ban is what you do after over-indulging at Christmas. It is not a replacement for … new friends, new work, new hobbies ? Going back to school ? At the very least a good brain-storming stock-taking session with those who know you best in real life ? Many apologies in advance if this is intrusive or entirely off on the wrong track !
Thanks! It's actually really helpful sometimes to have my life reflected to me through an external perspective :) The adjustment to a new country is not a small one and I'm only just beginning, as the novelty wears off after a year, and I'm sure the stress is contributing to some of my shopping. But I don't think a no-buy is ill-timed -- now is actually a great time to stop distracting myself with shopping and do more of the things that need doing (eg, making new friends and finding my feet as a self-employed person), and I'm actually really enjoying it!
What I do think was a bit of a stretch was setting the goal of buying only 5 new items this year -- it was rather impractical when I was actually in need of new clothes to adjust to a new climate; not to mention a new lifestyle, and it made me feel unnecessarily guilty when I was buying things I actually needed.
Thanks so much for such honesty! So much had me nodding my head. Shopping and styling and reading about fashion and all of it is something I derive so much joy from. It's hard to imagine stopping and I am excited to follow along and see how you ultimately feel.
Your post (because you identified many ways you might be cheating to source shopping dopamine) made me wonder if there’s a more acceptable “dopamine” level we can aim for. Could we channel it to a more sustainable place as opposed to eradicate it or fear it as a relapse? Dunno. Not exactly topical but it reminded me how lipstick remained a must purchase item during the 30s and WWII. It was basically affordable and women needed something to change things up and feel good about themselves. That instinct seems OK to me, even something good. I think it’s the explosive combination of capitalism and technology that has made this problematic? Who knows? Thanks for linking to Tiia’s post, was happy to reread it!
To add to that -- one thing I am focusing on is dressing well being the thing I find rewarding (ie, the dopamine kick), as opposed to shopping for more things. So it's not just cutting out something but finding new things that are just as rewarding and in a more sustainable way.
I love this idea.
Yeah dopamine is absolutely part of how we regulate ourselves emotionally and I think it comes down to getting to a more sustainable place, like you said. I have no real idea how to get there, but in the books I've read about addiction, it usually involves some degree of abatement to help your brain get to a "balanced" state obviously for people with hard core substance abuse, this would not be safe and they'd need to taper down with the help of medical professionals). I'm not a doctor and I can't say any of this with authority, but I recommend reading Dopamine Nation if you haven't already it is a really accessible book for understanding the effects of dopamine on our brains.
I read this post this morning and felt strongly supported in my own fledgling no-buy. Maybe I could go to the end of the year without buying anything, like Tiia! But just 5 minutes ago I was seduced by a price drop on some Dries jeans on eBay and hit "buy now." Huge sigh. In response, I've taken everything off my wishlist. If I need it (hah) or still love it later, it's not at all hard to find it again.
I feel you! Personally, I am trying to limit online buys as much as possible because I think it's harder to read whether something is something I am genuinely emotionally invested in, as opposed to FOMO, without trying it on. Hats off to you for deleting your whole wishlist! I haven't worked up the nerve to do that, but maybe I should. Agree that most times, we don't really miss what we had on our wishlists once they're gone.
The perceived scarcity around vintage items is such a real thing. I can let a new item sell out without blinking, but something about second-hand score (looking at that B-sides denim skirt from Noihsaf Bazaar, someone else, please take it!) makes me lose all reason. But the vastness of the resale market means there is always something else coming up, too.
“Instead, I spent an hour scouring the site for past runway items from my favourite designers...I stared at it some more, then I removed it from the cart and closed the tab. Does anyone else do this?”
Yes, friend. Yes. You are not alone!! 🙈
Also YES
It never ceases to amaze me how weirdly similar our head spaces are! So much of this resonates right now, especially the old runway shows and then going down the rabbit hole of looking for items on eBay and Vestiaire. I've been looking into old Marni, too. It was so freaking good!
Oh gosh same about Marni!!! I was so annoyed looking at recent Marni shows that I went back down a Consuelo Castiglioni rabbit hole. So much to love.
you have both been reading my mind! i shop pretty exclusively on resale sites (won’t venture into vestiaire because i see how dangerous it gets!), and the second hand online thing is really feeding my scarcity mindset. i am shopping a ton, returning a bunch, and of course... often trying to resell mistakes which is a strain and time suck in itself.
the rabbit holes are just sooooo satisfying to go down.
Your comment hit my heart! I love TRR and Poshmark but their emails “your obsessions are on sale” make my heart race and the idea that I can’t get the item elsewhere has made me purchase items I regret.
I sometimes go through the sold items on my favourites lists and discovered that I didn't miss 99% of them (except one GREAT pair of white jeans from Studio Nicholson). I think there are a lot of "great to haves" but I try my best to remember that "great to haves" (as opposed to absolutely emotional must-haves) will always come again. Easier said than done of course...
Yes to this!! The number of items I regret letting go vs the number of items I regret buying!!
May an internet stranger offer an alternative perspective ? You’ve had some major changes in your life - marriage, moving to a new country, changing work. You’ve lost touch with parts of your identity which seemed important even to this casual but long-time reader - as a daughter, as one of a trio (?) of sisters, as a traveller and adventurer. The adjustment may be turning out to be harder than you expected - this isn’t just an extended trip to somewhere new and fun, you’re trying to make a space for yourself in a new environment. I mention this because the only times in my own life when I’ve oscillated between shopping and self-recrimination like this were when I was anxious about identity in a time of change, and it was only apparent to me afterwards, when the situation had already resolved itself.
A shopping ban is what you do after over-indulging at Christmas. It is not a replacement for … new friends, new work, new hobbies ? Going back to school ? At the very least a good brain-storming stock-taking session with those who know you best in real life ? Many apologies in advance if this is intrusive or entirely off on the wrong track !
Thanks! It's actually really helpful sometimes to have my life reflected to me through an external perspective :) The adjustment to a new country is not a small one and I'm only just beginning, as the novelty wears off after a year, and I'm sure the stress is contributing to some of my shopping. But I don't think a no-buy is ill-timed -- now is actually a great time to stop distracting myself with shopping and do more of the things that need doing (eg, making new friends and finding my feet as a self-employed person), and I'm actually really enjoying it!
What I do think was a bit of a stretch was setting the goal of buying only 5 new items this year -- it was rather impractical when I was actually in need of new clothes to adjust to a new climate; not to mention a new lifestyle, and it made me feel unnecessarily guilty when I was buying things I actually needed.
I related to everything you wrote x 10000000. The dopamine hit that comes with purchasing a new item is so hard to resist!
Thanks so much for such honesty! So much had me nodding my head. Shopping and styling and reading about fashion and all of it is something I derive so much joy from. It's hard to imagine stopping and I am excited to follow along and see how you ultimately feel.